So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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