So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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