I'm lost and stupid without you.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My vagina just recognized that song.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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