new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
