How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
