When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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