If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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