i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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