When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
