Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
