Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize