I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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