All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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