You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
