DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
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He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
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He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.