I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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