gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
