I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
bring money and cleavage
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
