dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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