i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Ladies don't puke and tell
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
