I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm always down for nudity.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
