I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
