so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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