my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
