Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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