Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
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If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
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They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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