Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
