Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
this boner is exhausting
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
