the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Come see our sink grown plant.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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