We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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