I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
