she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
