oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I AM VODKA MAN
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
