We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
