hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
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Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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