We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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