she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
