i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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