he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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