I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
