We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
