what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
