I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
