the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
