I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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