just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
