I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
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somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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