I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
