you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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