well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
as a side note pls kill me
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
