Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.