Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.