You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
