I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
