Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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