some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
